


the coriolis effect

by briwookie



Category: South Park
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Walk Into A Bar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 01:07:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11544261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briwookie/pseuds/briwookie
Summary: "There's nothing wrong with being attracted to the same sex." Kenny would say, but Eric Cartman had always thought otherwise.It just surprises him that it takes Kyle Broflovski getting drunk at a bar with another man to prove him wrong.





	the coriolis effect

**Author's Note:**

> Originally I was going to make this an approved, "Cartman is bisexual," piece. Then I actually started writing it, and you can see the difference in retrospect as the work continues.
> 
> Feedback and critique is welcomed! Thank you for reading!

There could have been better things than feeling trapped on a mattress, a beer bottle stuck by the sweat of your palm as you try to choke down the spit in your throat.

Eric Cartman could’ve thought of a better way to spend a Friday night – if he wasn’t so distracted by a horny teenager above him. Her eyes spelled it out, ‘take off those pants, chubby boy,’ but Cartman wasn’t so convinced. He considered running out of the room and back into the hellpit that was Craig’s post-graduation party, but he might as well have been in handcuffs. She was adamant, a sorority chick that was eyeing Cartman the entire evening – at least four years older, but everyone in this damn town knew when Craig was throwing a ball. It wasn’t a surprise they had entire walks of life tread the scene.

She was starting to sweat, leaning forward with her breath on Cartman’s zipper. He was so drunk he couldn’t have caught her name.

“You brought me up here, what’re you planning on doing with me?”

 _More like you dragged me here_. Cartman’s thoughts still functioned as if he was sober, but no words could escape.

He licked his bottom lip, the aftermath Lager rubbing on his tongue. Ideas and plans surfaced, diabolical ways of teasing her just to jump out of the two-story window. Hell, she wasn’t even that attractive – eyeshadow clogged in ivories and blues, an orange complexion above a pale neck. Cartman told himself to receive the blowjob, get it over with, but what would that prompt her to do after? He sighed, and she smirked.

“I can think of things that would make you happy.” She tried to entice him as he took the zipper, like a plaything, with her fingers. Her red smile grew, boxer patterns revealed.

He was starting to get wet, but not from the whore with plastic tits. The alcohol drove him to another state of pleasure, his body starting to shake and tickle.

She must’ve thought his desire was for her – what an idiot. The power was almost too much for Cartman, who wanted to seize it and keep it in his pocket. So, he dragged a hand towards the girl’s hair, grabbed it by the fist as the wet sensation of her mouth wrapped around his cock. He cursed, an annoyance gurgling from the inside.

Girls always used too much teeth.

* * *

 

Cartman had always thought of himself as a gentleman built on routine.

He always enjoyed doing the same things, of course with a little variety along the way to make sure things didn’t grow stale. His life had been built on the mantra, ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’ However, the idea of sticking around South Park to finish his business program didn’t gel.

He knew his other friends were heading other ways – Stan to Seattle, that fucking hippie. Kenny was pretty determined he’d head wherever, with Craig and Tweek at the head of a van, and Kyle? Cartman hadn’t heard much. The Jew was probably going to Yale and stick up the middle finger, with a free-ride scholarship on one arm, and potential babes on the other. The image of women groveling at Kyle’s feet did leave Cartman to chuckle. There had to be some way for Kyle to spend all of that ancestral money.

Either way, it seemed like most of Cartman’s friends were planning on hitting the roads as soon as summer was gone. He told himself they could pull another crazy stunt before bidding farewell, but even their determination with causing shenanigans had dwindled.

Cartman figured it was only a matter of time.

So, he shrugged and laid back on his bed, pulling out a magazine from a box underneath.

He’d kept a trove of these issues since early middle school. Jacking off to pretty women in black lingerie was a constant, but he also didn’t mind taking another issue with men in tight jeans, shots of whiskey in their hands while they looked at you like a herd of cattle. Cartman didn’t consider himself gay just because he found a couple of pictures good enough to beat himself with. After all, breasts still reigned supreme and there was no way he was going to let someone stick something up his ass.  Although the thought of this country man taking his lasso and whipping a submissive boy for his bidding replayed itself in Cartman’s head.

He flipped from a colorful display of Playboy bunnies in soap taking a bath to the same male models, the same two that made Cartman’s head spin. He drove a hand down into his shorts and felt a familiar warmth. It lingered as Cartman’s fingers trailed up and down. All the years Cartman had spent, spoiling his member on a lazy afternoon, and he still got just as excited as the first day.

He trailed his eyes down the picture, a perfect v-shape near one of the man’s pelvic regions. He was feeling as cheeks grow red as he wrapped his hand around his cock. He let his hand shift up, eyes fluttering as the still images grew into movements and words.

Cartman pictured himself running his hands over the model’s chest, hair in patches along his abs. The older man would laugh at Cartman’s fascination, before bringing him up by the chin to swoop him in a kiss. It would be slow, plush lips grazing against one another before Cartman would grow greedy. He would push the man down on the floor, and allow himself to run his mouth down to the collarbone. It would be sweet and bitter. Cartman’s hand moved faster in reality as his fantasy caught up, Cartman staring down at an exposed, cock, wanting it between his lips.

Cartman moaned softly to himself, feeling the orgasm approach. He shifted in his bed as something vibrated near him – his cellphone was ringing. A familiar picture flashed and Cartman cursed to himself as he threw the magazine to the opposite side of the bed. He picked up the phone and didn’t give a second of greeting:

“What the fuck do you want?”

“Cartman, what’s up dude?” Kenny asked, slurring against the phone. Cartman guessed he had been daydrinking. “Is this a bad time?”

“No,” Cartman lied, his eyes lingering on the cover of the issue. He took the blue blanket at his side and threw it over his lower half, illogically frightened.

“You sound out of breath…” Kenny said. Cartman wanted to say something but got interrupted just as fast.

“Anyways, we’re thinking of heading out tonight and figured we would ask if you wanted to tag along.”

“You’re going out again?” Cartman scoffed to himself. Craig’s party was awesome – especially for Kenny, who Cartman remembered being so high he considered walking around South Park in the nude.

“Stan mentioned Skeeter’s, but we also thought about seeing what other bars were around town. There’s this new one they opened up a couple months ago, and it doesn’t get much traffic.”

Cartman didn’t say anything, partially because if he wanted to drink, he’d rather do it away from a bar. Kenny and Stan were more about that scene because they knew they could score free drinks. After their junior year, Skeeter’s didn’t even card them anymore just because they looked way older than the other kids in the town. Kyle considered it a disservice to let people get away with it, to which Cartman would tell him to shut the fuck up and get a margarita.

“A part of me wants to just for the sake of going.” Kenny said after Cartman didn’t respond. “But another part of me knows that after August, I might not be back here for a while. I kind of want to make these days mean something, y’know?”

“That sounds fucking gay.” Cartman replied. “You can sound _so_ gay, Kenny.”

“Sometimes I think the same thing about you, but you know, I can always be down for a little experimentation.” Kenny couldn’t hear the wind being knocked out of Cartman’s lungs.

“ _As fucking if!_ ”

“There’s nothing wrong with being interested in the same sex – I know I’ve had thoughts like that once in a while. Like, there was this one time…”

“It’s because you’re the most hypersexual human being on this goddamn planet and you want to stick your dick into anything.” Cartman said.

Kenny chuckled on the other end and Cartman wondered just how many times Kenny did mess around with guys. It wouldn’t phase Cartman if he caught Kenny making out with one of their friends on the side, since Kenny was that passionate about getting it on whenever he could.

“Let’s just say I have specific needs.”

“Yeah, no kidding.” Cartman pushed himself off the bed. He hadn’t even gotten out of his pajamas since he got back from last night’s party, but he figured he should go into the bathroom and clean himself up.

“How did things go with whatshername, by the way? She looked pretty cute.”

“She was annoying and she took over ten minutes just to suck me off.” Cartman fished for toilet paper to wipe himself off before he threw it into the toilet. “Plus, she made these weird grunting noises. Didn’t realize giving a blowjob meant sounding like an orangutan.”

“It’s more about the feeling, man. You have to let your senses kick in, it’s not just the visuals.” Kenny said, and Cartman laughed as he found his toothbrush. He rinsed it before putting toothpaste on it, putting it in his mouth.

“I guess those words make more sense if the girl looks like an orangutan, too.”

“Was she really that bad?” Kenny asked, before he stopped himself. “Well, actually, I was shitfaced that night so I can barely remember anything.”

“Let’s just say that sometimes, less is more.” Cartman grumbled with his mouth full of toothpaste. He spit into the sink and wiped his face. He couldn’t remember much of what happened either, since when he got home he crashed as soon as he hit the bed.

Craig’s parties were always hit or miss.

“Tell you what, why don’t you guys just come over and we can pre-game before we head out.” Cartman mentioned. Another night out with the guys beat any future evening at the UoC.

“Liane is going to be out plenty tonight – and she left her liquor cabinet open for the taking.”

“Say no more, we’re on our way.” Kenny hung up and Cartman went back into his room. He scowled at the magazine at the end of his bed and picked it up, just to throw it back under.

Maybe a night out would do him some good.

* * *

 

“This car’s A/C is fucking broke, dude. Man, the one day in the summer where I feel like a melting Vegas stripper and you do this to me!” Kenny tried fanning himself in the backseat of Stan’s Volkswagen, where Stan glared at him from the driver’s seat.

“It’s not even that hot, Kenny. It’s only been 84 since this morning.”

“So why is it I am sweating out of my ass and I can only feel a slight breeze out of your filters?”

Kenny pushed a hand towards the filters near the front seat and groaned. “There’s nothing.”

“Maybe it’s because you had more than enough brandy before we got into the car?” Kyle suggested.

Cartman looked at the Jew in the passenger seat and wanted to leave. The kid was wearing a collared, white button-up with patterns of leaves along with denim jeans. His ushanka was nowhere in sight (yes, Kyle loved that hat so much he wore the same style up to his teenage years), and his hair was combed and didn’t look like a hive. Cartman felt something eating him up as he stared but when he saw Kyle look back at him, he turned.

“Yeah, Kenny. I’m not letting you get more fucked up when we actually get to this place.” Stan said, and he turned towards Kyle. “How much longer until we get there?”

“It says ten minutes. It would have taken a quarter of the time if we just went to Skeeter’s.”

“Well, Skeeter’s is where we always go and Kenny insisted we go to this place instead. Can’t you use a little change, Kyle?” Cartman asked, and Kyle turned his head, as if on cue. *

“At least Skeeter’s would let us get drinks without carding us, how is it a bad thing if I think about these things before we get humiliated once we get there, fatass?”

“Stan actually said he knows a bartender there.” Kenny bubbled up and Stan nodded.

“Tis true.”

“Ooh, does this mean Stan has some sexy acquaintances he hasn’t told us about?” Cartman leaned forward, with Kenny following suit. “Come on, Stan, spare us the details.”

“She’s just a friend, Jesus.” Stan groaned. “She started working there  when they opened, and she had been bartending since she worked at Raisin’s.”

“Raisin’s, that’s even more fun. Do you guys remember when we’d go to Raisin’s all the time?” Cartman whistled.

“And Butters almost scored with that one girl?” Kenny smiled to himself. “She was such a babe.”

“The fact that Butters almost got some of that and not us is a crime in and of itself.” Cartman remembered how deep Butters was when it came to that girl – what was her name? Lexus?

“It says turn right here,” Kyle pointed towards the intersection and Stan waited in the lane.

Eventually they approached the parking lot of the bar and Cartman was stuck in his seat. The place was huge – you could tell they opened not too long ago. It looked like it was pretty slammed, the parking lot almost filled to capacity. He assumed it was because it was a Saturday night, but even then, it looked extraneous.

“It looks busy.” Kyle mentioned as Stan pulled into a slot.

Cartman cocked an eyebrow as he got out of the car.

“No shit, it’s a new bar on the weekend. What else were you expecting?”

Cartman felt a tinge of happiness as Kyle passed an annoyed glance. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever get over how amazing it felt to push all of Kyle’s buttons.

They made their way into the bar, passing the crowds of people socializing outside. Cartman took a glance at Kyle, who was only a couple inches shorter than him, hanging out close to Stan’s side. He didn’t want to admit it, but Kyle looked good – he was dressed up for just going out, when if they’d go to Skeeter’s he would wear his hat and hoodie. He must have wanted to pass some kind of impression. Not that Cartman would care, he was only wearing shorts and a pocket tee, after all. The same irritation came back to Cartman and he tried ignoring it.

The bar was classier than Skeeter’s, but not by much. Chandeliers came down from the ceiling, and the bar caved into its sides, a round oval appearance. A few pool tables were on the sides and a dancefloor was in the center. Most of the people there were already dancing, some men holding onto their girlfriends as they looked like they were about to pass out. Cartman snickered at this as they approached the bar. A girl with a blonde ponytail turned towards them, smiling at Stan.

“Long time no see, Marsh. What brings you gentleman to our little playground?”

“Just a few drinks, Samantha.” Stan sent off a grin as the four of them sat down.

Cartman found himself next to Kyle, out of events and not choice, but didn’t mind as the smell of cologne rubbed off on him. The subtle flavors didn’t bother Cartman too much, they suited that flamboyant Jew.

“Got any specials?” Kenny asked, and both Kyle and Cartman snickered at him. Typical Kenny, looking for the cheapest option.

“We got 2 for 1 on most of the menu. We also have four dollar shots of Absolut, Morgan…”

“I’ll take Jack Daniels.” Cartman ordered, and Kyle got a Long Island Iced Tea. Cartman was going to make a jab at that decision but kept his mouth shut.

Samantha kept flirting with Stan while she made their drinks, which none of them had to show their I.D. for, and Kyle whispered to Cartman in a suspicious way.

“Is she trying to get with him? She does know that he’s still going out with Wendy, right?”

“Girls always try to get in the hippie’s pants, and it’s not like he’s refusing the service.” Cartman said. Kyle didn’t say anything back but kept his eyes low as his drink.

“Still…

“Here you go, boys!” Samantha had a tall glass and a shot in her hands, passing them to Kyle and Cartman. Kyle eyed the Daniels before Cartman took it all in one go, and Kyle scrunched his face.

“How can you drink that?”

Cartman was going to say something else, but instead he asked Samantha for two more. Kyle rolled his eyes as he took a couple sips of his tea. When Cartman’s drinks came, he passed one of his glasses to Kyle.

Kyle blinked down at it, disgusted.

“I don’t drink whiskey.”

“But have you actually tried it?” Cartman asked, and when Kyle shook his head, Cartman pushed it further.

“Then try it, unless you want to stick to your girly toxins.”

“…if it’ll get you to shut the fuck up.” Kyle muttered, hating when Cartman ushered a challenge.

He took the glass and hesitated, bringing it to his lips before stopping, right as he drank the entire shot. He coughed as Cartman clapped him on the back and laughed.

“Even the Jew can drink from the fountain of youth!”

“Shut up.” Kyle flipped him off as Stan and Kenny laughed from the other side. Samantha came back around and leaned forward with a smile on her face.

“You want another one sweetie?”

“I’ll get him one.”

An unfamiliar voice spoke up from behind the four boys as a man who appeared in his mid-twenties came up to the bar.

He looked presentable – a smooth suit and a smoother smile. His blonde hair was gelled* to his head, and he had a drink of his own in hand. Cartman could see Kyle smile on his side and felt a smidge of nausea. The man approached and nodded at Samantha to get the drink.

“Um, thanks for offering, but who are you?” Kyle asked and the man grinned towards him.

“The name’s Trent. I was wondering if you would want to play a game of pool with me and my friends?”

Cartman could tell he was directing this specifically to Kyle. Kenny looked like he was having a blast, smiling from ear to ear, while Stan looked confused.

“That sounds like fun.” Kyle chuckled nervously. He rubbed the back of his head and Cartman could see a flush on his cheeks, which he was certain wasn’t from the alcohol.

Samantha passed along the shot, to which Kyle took it and headed towards the pool tables with the stranger. Cartman scrunched his face, not sure how to process Kyle being actively hit on in front of him. Kenny chucked at his side as he took another drink of his vodka.

“What in the hell just happened?”

“Is he…?” Cartman started to ask, Stan and Kenny passing similar expressions.

“We figured he was, but he’s deep in the closet, man. Possibly worse than you.” Kenny smirked as Cartman narrowed his eyebrows.

“What the fuck, I’m not gay!”

“There was that one time…” Stan started to mention before Cartman slammed his glass down on the bar.

“I said I’m not gay!” He yelled, a brief silence held in the bar. Cartman shrunk into himself before the talking continued, with the occasional chuckle.

“Anyways, Samantha dear could you pass me another shot?” Kenny dangled his empty glass in front of the blonde, who just crossed her arms over her chest.

“Sweetie, I think you’ve had enough to drink.”

“Why you have to do a brother like that?” Kenny whined, and Cartman continued staring across the hall.

Kyle was around Trent and a couple other guys while they were getting their game ready. Kyle would laugh at something Trent was saying, or he would flush again and look off to the side. It seemed like Trent was really getting along with him, and Cartman felt a discomfort at looking at them for long. He ordered another shot before he got off of his seat and headed towards the restroom.

The walls were covered in Sharpie-covered slang and lipstick stains – even a newer bar had the ability to carry itself like a trash heap. Cartman looked at himself in the mirror, definitely not a lightweight but already feeling the dizziness of his whiskey. He washed his face and looked at himself. He wasn’t a bad cut, he thought. He could lose a few pounds, but being husky wasn’t the worst thing. He always felt girls liked husky men, but the thought of what girls were attracted to didn’t leave such an impact.

He felt a shadow from the other side of the urinal and he caught the eyes of another man, one that looked strikingly similar to the cowboy from his magazine. He smiled down at Cartman, who felt a flutter in the pits of his stomach. He finished up before washing his hands and getting out of there.

Once getting back to the bar, he realized that Kenny and Stan were occupied with a group of girls who made their way to them. There were four of them, all dressed up with rompers and heels. Cartman thought one of them was especially attractive, with long brown hair and a curvy waist. She glanced at Cartman with a smile, and it would have been a sin not to return it. Kenny noticed Cartman’s pass and smirked.

“By the way, ladies, this is our friend, Eric Cartman. Maybe you’ve heard of him?”

“Heard of him? Weren’t you the kid that created that Christian rock band years ago?” The girl on the far right asked, and her friend to her left smiled enthusiastically.

“That’s right! It was him and those two other kids, I remember one of them was black.”

“That’s right, those were back in the first days of my creative journey.” Cartman replied, and the girls giggled. The brunette one approached him further and gave him a small grin.

“I really loved those songs, my mom would put your CDs on all the time.”

“You hear that, Stan? Kenny? I was an icon even back in those days.” Cartman collected more laughs as the brunette introduced herself as Maxine.

Cartman bought her a drink and she sat down next to him, while the other girls walked away with Stan and Kenny.

“Is this your first time coming here? I don’t think we’ve seen you around here before.”

“We usually go to Skeeter’s.” Cartman passed nonchalantly. He found her cute, but soon that fire was starting to diminish. She leaned forward, brown eyes wide in interest.

“Skeeter’s? I haven’t gone there since my friends and I first went out drinking.” She took a sip of whatever cocktail she had picked out. Cartman didn’t keep specifics.

He found in his interest in keeping his eyes on what Kyle was doing with Trent. Their game must have gone on for a half hour now, and every other second he would match eyes with him. Kyle must have been past tipsy, for Cartman would find him finding excuses of touch Trent – a hand on the arm, a brush against his side. Cartman kept his eyes on him, and Maxine followed suit.

“Is that your friend?” She asked, somehow catching Kyle from the other gentleman in the building.

“Yeah.” Cartman broke off his stare when Kyle caught on again, almost glaring from the other side. He didn’t understand what was up with him but after a couple more shots,

Cartman was starting to really feel it. It couldn’t remember how many drink he had, even without drinking a little before they left his house. Maxine was talking about her degree and university studies, but Cartman couldn’t keep interest. When a Walk the Moon song came on and blasted through the surround sound, Maxine took a hand and squeezed Cartman’s wrist.

“I love this song, c’mon, let’s go dance!”

Cartman didn’t say a word of rebuttal as he was led to the dance-floor. He could see the other people from the bar make their way as well, even Stan and Kenny who were still with Maxine’s friends. Maxine herself started jumping and swaying to the music as the chorus played. Cartman allowed himself to dance as well, not surprised when out of a drunken stupor he moved his hands to her hips. She liked the way his hands fit, and she sent a cocky smile. She glided into him and Cartman could feel her petite torso align with his.

Physical intimacy was always desirable when intoxicated – Cartman thought this to himself as she allowed her body to be so close.

She was acting rebellious now, her face close to his ear. He could have sworn she said something promiscuous* but he paid no mind. Instead he caught onto Kyle who was also dancing, with Trent. He looked happy – happier than he had ever been with him. His eyes were brighter than the variations of lights across the floor.

He was luminous, absolutely luminous.

Cartman kept his eyes on Kyle, and when Kyle recognized Cartman on the dance-floor, he sent off a small smile.

It could have killed him.

“What’s wrong?” Maxine asked as she continued dancing, slower now. Cartman looked back down at her, and that validation created a smile. She was enjoying this – spending time with him, but Cartman wasn’t as interested.

He caught his breath as her hand took his by surprise, and she leaned upwards, placing a kiss on his cheek. Cartman didn’t say a word as she took his wrist and led them off of the dancefloor. She brought them to the side of the building, in a shadowed place where it was just them and the music. He couldn’t say anything as she ran her hands up his chest, kissing his neck. It felt comforting, but if Cartman imagined anything like this to be sensual, he didn’t feel it. Her hands were warm, and her breath was tinted of watermelon and vodka.

Cartman closed his eyes as she kissed him. Her arms wrapped around his neck and she moaned when Cartman touched her back. Their kisses were short, not demanding passion but of efficiency. There was only one way that this could be led and Cartman didn’t want to think of it. She pushed herself against his chest and Cartman could feel her tongue between his lips, and he tried to play along. He wanted that physical validation before it was too late, when he’d go home just to sleep alone, imagine what would have been different if it wasn’t for the alcohol.

She moved his hands underneath her shift, and he let his touch linger on her bare skin. She was moaning softly, and he watched as she made her way down, near his pants. A sense of déjà vu came over him as she eyed him from below.

“I can think of something that will make you happy.”

She even sounded like her.

Cartman took a deep breath and backed away. Maxine scrunched her face up with confusion as Cartman shook his head. He couldn’t deal with this again, only allowing a woman the satisfaction of seeing him as his most intimate.

“I’m sorry.” It was all that Cartman could say before he walked away.

He headed towards the entrance of the bar, where the evening cold was starting to get to him. A warm day turning into a freezing night – a Colorado typical. He was shivering, even under his hoodie and jeans. Cartman started moving away from the doors to the side, aching for a cigarette as he glanced in the alleyway.

There were two bodies, moving against one another in the shadows.

Cartman could see it was Kyle and Trent, making out and touching one another just as Cartman was. There were brief moments of discomforting noises, and Cartman realized that Kyle didn’t want it. He was squirming under Trent’s advances, and Trent was trying so hard to get his way. Cartman glared before he walked over towards them. He knew he was drunk, and to hell with it all, he could do something he’d regret. But there was nobody that would touch Kyle that like that live to tell.

“What the hell are you doing?” Cartman called out as he moved into the alley. Both heads popped up, Kyle’s completely red while Trent straightened up. Kyle pushed his shirt down and broke out.

“Cartman?”

“You know him?” Trent asked, obviously intoxicated. Cartman continued walking towards them, hands in fists.

“Hell yeah he fucking knows me, and I suggest for your benefit you back up. Now.”

Kyle gave off an appreciated smile as Trent looked like he was about to square up as well.

“What gives you the business…”

“When you’re off touching my friend like that without his consent, you dumbass. Leave Kyle alone.”

“I wasn’t even…” Trent started, but Kyle had already walked away, joining Cartman.

“Thanks, Cartman.” Kyle whispered, and Cartman called out:

“You come near us again, I won’t hesitate to fucking kill you. Understand?”

Trent was about to say something else, but instead he went in the opposite direction. Kyle glanced up at Cartman and smiled at him.

“It was a good thing you came out here when you did. I…really shouldn’t have gotten carried away with him.”

“Let’s just get out of here, screw this place.” Cartman said, about to get Stan and Kenny before Kyle pulled out a set of keys.

“We can hide away for a little bit.”

* * *

 

“So you actually had Stan’s keys on you?” Cartman lounged in the car next to Kyle, the two of them listening to whatever song was playing on the radio in the parking lot. Kyle sighed as he turned the heater on.

“He gave me the keys when we got to the bar to hold onto and he never asked for them back, so I ended up forgetting.” Kyle leaned back and stared out of the front window of the car. The both of them could still hear the music, and Cartman didn’t realize it was already one in the morning until he saw the clock.

“It will be funny, letting them run around and then Stan not knowing where his keys are.” Cartman chuckled at the image of Stan going through the bar just to find them. Kyle laughed as well, before shrugging.

“I mean, I texted him and told him we were in the car.”

“You spoiled it.” Cartman said. Kyle chuckled, before his laugh died down. There was a comfortable silence between the two of them before Kyle talked again.

“You really helped me out.”

“I just couldn’t let that happen to you.” Cartman said. “He looked like he didn’t give a shit about you not being into him.”

“I tried telling him countless times to stop touching me, but he was too drunk. I mean, I was drunk too, still drunk, but I still could put two and two together. He was pretty sweet at first, but I guess that’s how they all are.”

“Or maybe that’s just the guys you are into, the ones that put up a front.” Cartman wanted desperately to grab a cigarette. He cursed himself for not bringing his case.

“Maybe.” Kyle replied. “What about that girl you were with?”

“Oh.” Cartman felt a tinge of self-loathing, leaving her alone when he was the one to blame. “She was nice, but I just wasn’t into her.”

“She looked like she really liked you.” Kyle said and Cartman rolled his eyes.

“A lot of girls look like that when they want to get with me, but eventually they would realize I’m just not as much into them, and it would be a downward spiral.”

“You think it’ll be like that with everyone attracted to you?” Kyle’s voice sounded broken, and Cartman couldn’t understand why. He glanced at Kyle, recognized how close he was, and bit his lower lip. The cologne he was wearing wasn’t completely dimmed, and that smell mixed with whatever he was drinking…Cartman could hardly think.

“Probably. I’m not the easiest guy to stick around with.”

Another brief silence passed before Cartman could find the strength of say anything else.

“I didn’t realize you were gay.”

“Yeah, well it wasn’t like I was going around telling people I was.” Kyle mumbled. “I had a feeling it was obvious, though.”

“Well, thinking about it now…” Cartman said. Kyle laughed at that, and both of them smiled towards each other.

“Guess I’ll be easier for you to rip on now, huh?”

“I don’t really care about that.” Cartman said. Kyle’s eyes widened and Cartman continued. “Like, yeah you’re into dick sucking – who cares? Being a Jew is way worse than being a homo.”

“Right, you would definitely have said that, why would I think any different?” Kyle laughed to himself.

“I don’t know.” Cartman said. “At least Trent looked kind of cute. Not my type, but still.”

Kyle blinked towards Cartman and shifted towards him. “Wait, are you actually saying that…”

“I’ve had thoughts about it.” Cartman turned his head at Kyle’s stare. “I’m pretty sure everyone has been bi-curious at one point or another.”

“That isn’t a bad thing, Cartman.”

“Maybe not for you, but for me…”

A brief silence took them once again, and Kyle didn’t anything before he rested a hand on Cartman’s thigh.

Cartman glanced down in a moment of surprise before Kyle moved forward and took Cartman’s lips between his own. There was a slight second of fright, where Cartman could have easily punched Kyle in the face, but after that, his mouth was warm and welcoming. Kyle broke away to look into Cartman’s eyes before Cartman leaned back in, reaching out one of his hands behind Kyle’s head to bring him closer. Kyle sighed under Cartman’s touch, as the kiss grew deeper. Kyle pushed his tongue into Cartman’s mouth, and Cartman accepted it, groaning at the taste of his breath. They broke apart and took a deep breath before they regained their seats.

Cartman hadn’t stopped shaking.

“That was…” Kyle started, but Cartman finished.

“Way better than I figured my first kiss would be.” Cartman said. Kyle looked at him and Cartman corrected himself:

“With a guy, I mean.”

“Not just with a Jew?” Kyle leaned back in, and Cartman was expecting another kiss but when Kyle put his head on Cartman’s shoulder, he found it a much better alternative. He wrapped an arm around Kyle’s torso, tongue still on fire.

“That too.”


End file.
